Top Ten Rules of Indian Film-Making

Las diez reglas del cine hindú:


Since I am sick and tired of people here asking me perfectly logical questions when seeing indian movies or giving the TV those trademark ‘looks’ when something beyond their wildest dreams happens (especially during an action sequence: the hero cutting an in-flight bullet in half with his pen-knife, for example), I’ve decided to put up this really old list one just has to remember when watching a bollywood movie (“bollywood” being the indian “hollywood”). Here you go:

Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the real bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see Rule 2 below).


If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will:
(a) Die
(b) Join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.



If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

Any court scene will have the dialogue “Objection Melod!”. If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.


The hero’s sister will usually marry the hero’s best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes and commit suicide.


In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.


When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never:
(a) miss
(b) run out of bullets.


When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).


Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of:
(a) pots
(b) barrels
(c) glass bottles,
all of which will be smashed to pieces.


Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by:
(a) the brothers
(b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
(c) the family dog/cat.
The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can’t remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.


Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three categories:
(a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero’s father - killed by the villain before the titles.
(b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying “Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte” (“You can’t escape from the Law”), only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector’s daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
(c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the *real* villain’s sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.


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